See Through

the life & times of a perpetual student

This week.

This is a cross-post from my Tumblr. This all happened Tuesday (3/27):

* * *

Yesterday, my cousin took his own life. He was 48 years old & left behind two daughters, a mother and father, two sisters, and so many friends and family who cared about him.

The news of this hit our family while my grandmother was undergoing breast cancer surgery.

Today, as the family made funeral arrangements for my cousin, his mother (my aunt) suffered a heart attack. She is now in ICU.

That’s what happened. While I can explain exactly what happened, aside from that I truly have no words.

I only have this:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

To anyone: if you’re thinking about it, please, get help. 

RIP, Joe. 

* * *

Now for an update: my aunt suffered a “sudden death” heart attack that was aborted by her husband giving her CPR. Had he not been there, she would have died. Today, she is undergoing surgery so they can put in a defibrillator.

This is the second time someone in my family committed suicide. Both happened in March, the first one several years ago.

Now that I’ve had time to think about everything that happened, I first felt sad but now I feel more angry. My cousin took the easy way out and left everyone else in a wake of pain and suffering, so much that it almost killed his own mother. Would she have had the heart attack anyway, or was it the stress and pain of knowing she has to bury her own son? I cannot say.

Suicides make their escape and leave everyone else behind to wonder, grieve, and grapple with the questions of how life can become so incredibly bleak that there is no possible way out of the pain other than to take yourself out of the equation, for good.

I’m no stranger to suffering and feeling a sense of hopelessness at times (who is, really?), but I don’t think suicide is ever the answer. I’ve gone back and forth, wondering if some people are truly better off by taking their own lives. Aside from the terminally ill, I can’t think of anything else that isn’t a temporary problem that can be worked through (edit: I’m not saying it would be easy or fun. In fact, it would probably be hell, but a hell that would be worth it over ending your life early, I would assume?) My cousin struggled with depression and alcoholism. He also owned his own business and was a smart, good person. Though so many people cared about my him, did they care enough? Why couldn’t anyone get through to him?

I don’t know how to feel. I can’t go be with that part of my family right now, because I’m nearing the end of the semester and can’t get away.

I don’t have that many places to write privately online so I may or may not leave this posted here. I’m just rambling, trying to understand something that I’ll never understand.

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4 thoughts on “This week.

  1. I am so so so sorry. That’s the only thing I can think of to say. I will keep your family in my thoughts. I hope your Aunt and Grandmother both make a quick recovery.

  2. Thank you so much *hugs*

  3. Jessica! on said:

    I am so sorry that a) this has happened a b) I only noticed this now. Not to be glib, but suicide and I have a long, wretched, and frequent past. If you need to vent, or just want to talk, please know that I am here for you. I’ll DM you my number and stuff. Much love to you and your family, and I hope your Aunt will make a great recovery, though it’s a long and crappy road ahead for everyone.

    • Thank you, Jessica. It was the strangest things to happen all at once. My aunt is home now and is doing well. Just the suicide part though, the reasons haunt me. I wasn’t close-close with my cousin, hadn’t seen him in a long time, but 250+ people came to his funeral. Wish he would have stuck around, for his kids, family/friends, his dogs. I’m sorry you have had to deal with it too. Thank you for your info, I’ll send you mine back too, just in case you ever need it.

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