See Through

the life & times of a perpetual student

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

The Antlers – No Widows

It may be sort of dark, but this song has been strangely comforting to me this week.

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This week.

This is a cross-post from my Tumblr. This all happened Tuesday (3/27):

* * *

Yesterday, my cousin took his own life. He was 48 years old & left behind two daughters, a mother and father, two sisters, and so many friends and family who cared about him.

The news of this hit our family while my grandmother was undergoing breast cancer surgery.

Today, as the family made funeral arrangements for my cousin, his mother (my aunt) suffered a heart attack. She is now in ICU.

That’s what happened. While I can explain exactly what happened, aside from that I truly have no words.

I only have this:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

To anyone: if you’re thinking about it, please, get help. 

RIP, Joe. 

* * *

Now for an update: my aunt suffered a “sudden death” heart attack that was aborted by her husband giving her CPR. Had he not been there, she would have died. Today, she is undergoing surgery so they can put in a defibrillator.

This is the second time someone in my family committed suicide. Both happened in March, the first one several years ago.

Now that I’ve had time to think about everything that happened, I first felt sad but now I feel more angry. My cousin took the easy way out and left everyone else in a wake of pain and suffering, so much that it almost killed his own mother. Would she have had the heart attack anyway, or was it the stress and pain of knowing she has to bury her own son? I cannot say.

Suicides make their escape and leave everyone else behind to wonder, grieve, and grapple with the questions of how life can become so incredibly bleak that there is no possible way out of the pain other than to take yourself out of the equation, for good.

I’m no stranger to suffering and feeling a sense of hopelessness at times (who is, really?), but I don’t think suicide is ever the answer. I’ve gone back and forth, wondering if some people are truly better off by taking their own lives. Aside from the terminally ill, I can’t think of anything else that isn’t a temporary problem that can be worked through (edit: I’m not saying it would be easy or fun. In fact, it would probably be hell, but a hell that would be worth it over ending your life early, I would assume?) My cousin struggled with depression and alcoholism. He also owned his own business and was a smart, good person. Though so many people cared about my him, did they care enough? Why couldn’t anyone get through to him?

I don’t know how to feel. I can’t go be with that part of my family right now, because I’m nearing the end of the semester and can’t get away.

I don’t have that many places to write privately online so I may or may not leave this posted here. I’m just rambling, trying to understand something that I’ll never understand.

Ignoring the blog.

I’ve been busy. Or BUSIER, rather … my biology class will be ending next month. My nursing assistant course just started and is taking up most of my time. In the meantime, I’ve been checking, double-checking, and triple-checking the mailbox to see if my admissions letter has arrived yet. Each day I’m met with bills, ads, coupons, spam, crap. No admissions letter. I tear the ads and coupons apart thinking maybe the letter slid in between the pages somehow. They said it could be expected in late March – early April but I can’t help to obsess over it daily, thinking it might be there already. (I’ve been obsessing way before the letter was even expected though, so of course as time draws nearer, my OCD behavior just gets worse and worse).

I almost backed out of my nursing assistant course before it started. As I flipped through the textbook, certain words and phrases jumped off the page that scared the hell out of me.

Sponge baths.

Catheter care.

Incontinence. 

What to do if you walk in on a patient, having … um … private time with themselves.

And many other things that I won’t mention here because … just because. I know the nursing assistants do the dirty work. I ADMIRE the nursing assistants for doing the dirty work. I know if I were unable to care for myself, I would appreciate someone being there to help me do it or do it for me.

But do I really want to do it?

No, not really.

I’m only doing it because it’s now required by my state in order to be accepted into the x-ray tech program. Thanks a lot, state! It’s a new thing. Otherwise, no, no thank you, uh-uh, nope. I only hope the week-long clinical session won’t be that bad. I would like to get through it without being urinated on, vomited on, defecated on, and so on and so forth. I’m not all that bothered by blood but I also do not want to be bled on. And if any of those things do happen, I hope I will have the ability to not in turn get sick all over the patient. I’ve been practicing in my head how things will go. I think if I just hold my breath and go to my happy place then all will be okay.

As for clinical, it’s just six days. I can do six days!

Right? >.>

I feel like my life is in limbo just waiting on that damn letter, which may or may not contain good news. And I could use some good news, because this year hasn’t been the greatest with my husband being ill (and he’s still not doing well, but that’s another story).

I was planning not to update here again until I had some bigger, better news. Alas, this is all there is for now.

Hasta luego. Hope you are well.

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